Now I own a car, attend graduate school, have student loan debt, use a credit card, live with my long-term partner, have friends with babies and cook all my own meals. Am I an adult?
No, at least not yet, not fully. It doesn't feel like I am. I know that there are still some things I'm being a bit childish about. I hate to list them so publicly but here they are: eating sweets and sugar, procrastinating on things that will bring me joy, putting off important decisions, negative self talk, keeping friendships superficial, and being scared to meet new people.
I realized last night, cuddling up to my partner and our beautiful black cat, that I am growing up. I'm a woman and the sole person responsible for my life, career, and health. Yikes! That was a scary thought! I realized I really need to step up my game in terms of healthy, sustainable ways of living. I am so sick of sugar. I'm addicted to it, it makes me feel like shit, and it's bad for me physically. I'm done with it! There! What's going to be more challenging is all the ways I've ignored and hide being a child still.
A major way I've been hiding is by denying that my life purpose is something I need to figure out now. What am I working towards? Who am I? I'm still a student. In some ways that grants me a pass on the big question at least until I graduate. But then I could just go to another school! Get another degree! It's ironic that enrolling in a program tracked for career is my way of escaping the question, "What do you want to be when you grow up?"
I want to be a lot of things, not just one. I want to do dance performances, write a book or story, sing on an album, accomplish some kind of extreme sport record, work somatically, do therapy, work with addiction, work with people, make or sell or taste or collect wine, decorate homes, lead exercise classes, speak in public, travel the world, tend a garden, cook food, study plants and herbs, and continue to explore spiritually.
A way I am growing into an adult is by building myself a spiritual life with daily practice. I attend church and have a prayer partner, I meditate almost daily, I spend time in nature and I use my body as a divine tool and excercise it and encourage its expression. I'm releasing doubts and judments I have about spirituality. I'm getting over a ton of my teenage angst thoughts: religion is evil, vegan for life, and the us vs. them philosophies/conspiracies. While those ideas have truth in them they are not THE truth. I'm way more accepting and loving now.
I build depth with friends and family. I'm learning that it's okay not to have many friends, especially acquaintances, because depth is what's important. I've learned a hard hard lesson that not all people can be close or get along. Difference in values or environment or background sometimes makes a compassionate relationship unfeasible. Saying no is okay and breaking up with friends is part of life. I've learned I can't do it all. I get to choose what I want to take and what I leave behind. I choose what I want according to how it will fit with my life, not just that I want it. For example, I like the taste of sugar but it doesn't fit in with my healthy lifestyle, running, and balanced brain chemicals, so I choose to say no.
I am a role model to others. And I am my only and best respresentative. My behaviors tell others and inform my own sense of identity. Cheers to not knowing and hoping and growing up!
