What is one thing I did differently yesterday to make progress on my journey?

I accepted support. Yesterday I was challenged facing money issues, namely, that my credit card is maxed out and my accounts were empty. In the past many months I have been on the verge of not enoughness and always tip over (thank you Universe!) to abundance just when I need it most. So worrying about money was not unfamiliar to me and I was working yesterday on calming my mind so I could enjoy the company of my beloved. I wasn't really able to shake off the stress and my company could tell. Finally I just said, "I'm stressed about money." Phew, that felt pretty good. Yeah, I'm struggling with this issue and I'm not really present right now.

What my partner responded with was, "I can give you money, I can help you." I immediately started shrinking and turning away. Negative self-talk flooded me and it said: you can't borrow money, not from him, he doesn't really mean it, he'll regret it, you'll regret it if you take it, that's just more debt you'll be in, why can't you get your financial shit in order like him? Wow, here my sweetheart was offering me a gift and my psyche responds quite rudely! The moment passed and we left the issue to rest for a while.

Until I checked the mail! I got a letter from the IRS and immediately, my heart was pounding. There was that stress again. It was like another test of my good will. I open it and receive the disappointing news: I owe them a lot of money and they haven't responded to my appeal and now there is a deadline quickly approaching. My honey knows I struggle with money and that I'm going through a conflict with the IRS. He gets off the couch, comes to me, reads the letter with me, and says, "It's going to be okay. If you want, I can pay that for you." I'm in disbelief. This is thousands of dollars we are talking about, not just groceries and gas money. We talked it over; I was able to stay calm enough to have a reasonable conversation and express my distress. He made some observations and kept present with me throughout the discussion. We reached a conclusion that he would pay a portion of the amount due (the part I do believe I really owe the IRS) and we would wait to see what their response was. I told him I was having a hard time accepting his offer of money. He asked why and I divulged my inner critic. I said, "I'm going to need some more money to make it through this week. I feel supported by you and grateful. I want to contribute money to our relationship too. Thank you for supporting me right now." And that was that, we moved on to enjoy our evening!

Wow, I am so proud I could pay a large IRS debt on borrowed funds and not have more than $10 to my name and still feel great about my life, my relationship, and my self! Awesome progress!

PS: I got a notice of an attempted IRS letter delivery at my house for me and I betchya it's them saying I don't owe the rest of the money!

What's your progress yesterday? this week?

Holding Trauma

Today is day 2 of three days of my final marathon weekend of school for the year. As I'm sitting in this tight desk wondering how I'm going to hold this position until 8pm, I am hearing a lecture about how action can prevent trauma. When strong emotions are held in the body trauma can ensue. How do we deal with situations in which strong emotions are evoked? The healthiest is answer is, express yourself! Maybe you can't yell at your boss who undermines your work in the company meeting or flip off the driver you cut off or cuss out the police officer who just pulled you over but what can you do? There has to be something or else your body will turn to trauma as the solution. Can you shake your head and legs? Can you leave the room and punch some pillows? Can you go to your car and scream? Can you write all of your angry feelings down and then burn the paper? throw dishes? work out really hard? go dancing? What's your out from an emotional experience?

Abundance Work

I haven't yet shared in this blog about the Adventures in Abundance workshop I'm participating in with Inner Light, so this is a bit out of context, but a worthwhile story and lesson.

Went to the Inner Light Adventures in Abundance workshop again on Monday, week 5 of 8. It was Ben Saltzman leading it this time, again. You know from my email last week that I had a hard time with him in week 4 and I was reluctant to go this week. I met up with a friend on Monday for a stroll on the beach and mentioned that I was participating in this workshop. She said she had done the six month program with him last year, had a lot of struggles with him, but then experienced a major breakthrough, she called it a "melt down" on the very last session and gained some deep deep learning, growth, and respect for Ben and his work. She recommended I stay even though it was incredible uncomfortable last time. I don't regret leaving early, in fact I'm proud for listening to my truth and guidance. However I was considering how my friend's experience would land on my truth.

I went Monday and stayed the whole time. I showed up on time which hadn't happened last week and meant a great great deal because I caught the entirety of the opening prayer which laid a foundation of grounding, healing, safety, and holding: something I hadn't felt last week! The workshop went late, until 9:45pm, which is very late for me. I thoroughly enjoyed it.

We did a similar exercise: after sharing with a partner our unexpected income and gifting 10% of that to the church, we reconvened and went into Shadow/Light Integration. First we embodied "The Controller," the part of ourselves that demands control and thinks it's always right and wants things its way. I can very much tap into this energy since I grapple with it daily! The Controller has a lot of fear about what might happen if it loses control! No doubt there is some deep wounding there. We control because, at some point in our life, that is what we needed to do to survive (physically or psychically). Now it's time to relinquish some control so parts that have been abandoned (and become Shadow) can come back healthfully.

So we moved to that abandoned part. Ben asked The Controller (asked us in the room embodying control), what part was being locked away. Some said something along the lines of the vulnerable, playful, creative child/artist and others said my father, the competitor, production, the doer. Ben decided to go with "Disowned Competitor." I was having a hard time with that title because I have negative connotations of competition even though I'm actually quite attune with my competitive side and think I engage with it healthfully (i.e. marathon running, doing therapy demos in front of my class, getting promotions at jobs, playing games). In the moment I had the thought, "Oh no, he didn't pick the one that I feel most. Now I'm going to have to disengage for the next 40-60 minutes while he works with a part that I either don't understand, feel good with, or can't access. Ah, shit, here we go. Am I going to have to walk out again?" This lingered for a few minutes and I was in a mild panic and getting angry with Ben because the work didn't feel relevant to me. Then he said this: "Is anyone not here with us right now? Is anyone not in touch with their Disowned Competitor?" Ding ding ding ding ding! Me! I quickly raised my hand and saw that, of the 20 of us, about 4 or 5 others did too! Phew! I wasn't alone. I was SO glad he asked that questions because otherwise he was leaving me, and four or five others, in the dust! He did some one-on-one dialogue with me and then with the others, so we could tap into the energy he was requesting. He asked several questions and I was feeling pretty whole, "Light" about those. Then he asked, "Do you ever feel like you can't shine as brilliantly as you want or need to?" Uh, ptchah! Yes. He said, "That, that's your Disowned Competitor, stay there." I would have called it "Disowned Achiever" or "Fading Light" or "Outcast Star" but I wasn't going to spend time on semantics.

The group worked on this disowned part, each person embodying it and, from that place, sharing what they were feeling: lonely, scared, punished, angry, resentful. The Competitor wanted to be able to do the best it could, given a chance! Ben worked on that for a while and then asked the Self if it was okay to allow the Competitor to show up, play the game, compete! There was still some work to be done but eventually we got to a place where ourSelves said, yeah, I want the Competitor to show up! And we moved into the integrated Competitor, feeling excited, proud, expansive, supercharges. We moved from their to the Integration Point, our whole self, complete, integrated, connected to the Divine and the Controller and the Competitor. People shared what was going to change in this new place. One woman was inspired to start a cooperative business, one to stand up straight in front of her employees and own her respectful authority. I said I might have to say goodbye to relationship that weren't supportive of my Competitor, of my star shining brilliantly, of me integrating all aspect of mySelf. On Monday night, when I said it, I thought it meant releasing some people out of my connection web. That may be true: forgiving former friends and lovers. What I realize, now, is more true is that it means allowing my current relationships to transform to be new ones. My relationship with my dad today is not the same relationship with my dad ten years ago. (Thank GOD!) It's time for new relationships, releasing the old ways of relating because that's not me anymore (and it's not him either). My affirmation is: Relationships today support my star shining brightly and my ever-changing, integrated sense of self. My actions, thoughts, and being support and ground my heart glowing big and all of those I interact with being held and supported in being their fullest Self.

Wow, what a long entry! Wishing you ease and grace in receiving all of this of my experience and in shining a light on all aspects of YOUrself increasing your brilliance, radiance, and shininess. When we engage in this expansion, we have all needs met, all right relationships, healing, wholeness, health, abundance, and peace.

Ahhhumm

Who would I be if I stopped being afraid today?

I would be a magical spiritual healer. I would be a strong, tall woman with big feet. I would be relaxed shoulders, face, and body. I would be a strong core. If I stopped being afraid today I would be wealthier, happier, more satisfied with myself and my life. I would have friends, more friends and closer friends. I would be integrated in my spiritual community. I would know my partner deeply and express all of my needs and work on them being met in relationship. I would be strong enough to distance myself from anything or relationship or behavior that is not supportive. I would be expressive. I would be a dancer. I would be an ultra-marathon runner. I would be a business owner. I would be a writer, singer, chef. I would be a fashion designer. I would be a world traveler. I would be a through-hiker. I would be a food critic. I would be paid for doing what I love. I would be a Kia Soul or Fiat 500 owner or a Eurovan owner. I would be a wine maker. I would be a double black diamond skier. I would be well dressed. I would be comfortable in my body. I would have multiple orgasms.

I would be a person who gets herself what she needs, surrounds herself in support, enriches her relationships towards depth and connection, and is comfortable and happy in her body and experience, going towards new experiences and desired life goals with ease and grace as her attention, energy, and wants request.

Becoming an Adult

Now I own a car, attend graduate school, have student loan debt, use a credit card, live with my long-term partner, have friends with babies and cook all my own meals. Am I an adult?

No, at least not yet, not fully. It doesn't feel like I am. I know that there are still some things I'm being a bit childish about. I hate to list them so publicly but here they are: eating sweets and sugar, procrastinating on things that will bring me joy, putting off important decisions, negative self talk, keeping friendships superficial, and being scared to meet new people.

I realized last night, cuddling up to my partner and our beautiful black cat, that I am growing up. I'm a woman and the sole person responsible for my life, career, and health. Yikes! That was a scary thought! I realized I really need to step up my game in terms of healthy, sustainable ways of living. I am so sick of sugar. I'm addicted to it, it makes me feel like shit, and it's bad for me physically. I'm done with it! There! What's going to be more challenging is all the ways I've ignored and hide being a child still.

A major way I've been hiding is by denying that my life purpose is something I need to figure out now. What am I working towards? Who am I? I'm still a student. In some ways that grants me a pass on the big question at least until I graduate. But then I could just go to another school! Get another degree! It's ironic that enrolling in a program tracked for career is my way of escaping the question, "What do you want to be when you grow up?"

I want to be a lot of things, not just one. I want to do dance performances, write a book or story, sing on an album, accomplish some kind of extreme sport record, work somatically, do therapy, work with addiction, work with people, make or sell or taste or collect wine, decorate homes, lead exercise classes, speak in public, travel the world, tend a garden, cook food, study plants and herbs, and continue to explore spiritually.

A way I am growing into an adult is by building myself a spiritual life with daily practice. I attend church and have a prayer partner, I meditate almost daily, I spend time in nature and I use my body as a divine tool and excercise it and encourage its expression. I'm releasing doubts and judments I have about spirituality. I'm getting over a ton of my teenage angst thoughts: religion is evil, vegan for life, and the us vs. them philosophies/conspiracies. While those ideas have truth in them they are not THE truth. I'm way more accepting and loving now.

I build depth with friends and family. I'm learning that it's okay not to have many friends, especially acquaintances, because depth is what's important. I've learned a hard hard lesson that not all people can be close or get along. Difference in values or environment or background sometimes makes a compassionate relationship unfeasible. Saying no is okay and breaking up with friends is part of life. I've learned I can't do it all. I get to choose what I want to take and what I leave behind. I choose what I want according to how it will fit with my life, not just that I want it. For example, I like the taste of sugar but it doesn't fit in with my healthy lifestyle, running, and balanced brain chemicals, so I choose to say no.

I am a role model to others. And I am my only and best respresentative. My behaviors tell others and inform my own sense of identity. Cheers to not knowing and hoping and growing up!

What do I know for sure today?

I know I am worth it! I know life is beauty, well-designed, magical, curious, and a journey so magnificent I couldn't imagine doing anything else!

I know for sure I love my family and my partner. I know for sure I love myself and I will choose my health and wellness every time.

I know for sure that I am strong and on my way down the path I'm meant to travel. I know miracles happen because I just got the tax return I wished for! I know I am being watched over by a greater power. I know my material needs are met and more.

What do you know for sure today?

Forgot to say...

I also played tennis with my honey yesterday early evening. It was great and is always a challenge. I sometimes get really grumpy because I'm new at it and not very good. My partner is excellent at tennis (his family's house has a tennis court on their lawn!). Playing tennis with him reveals some of our inner dynamics that aren't so fun: power, leadership, experience, wisdom, pride, teacher and student. Before we even got on the court I asked him if he would give me compliments, affirmations, and encouragement alongside his critiques of my play. He agreed and in turn I agreed to remember we were there to have fun, to respect his many years of experience, and (what I didn't say but did, thankfully) let him know when I'd had enough.

Although balls were flying into other people's courts and even over fences, we kept smiles on and I think I got better. At least my right arm is feeling sore today. My spirits are fine though! With smiles, cheers to learning and humbleness.

A Warming Week in Review

Now it is Monday morning and I reflect on a week of nurturing, connection, reflection. New groups I am now a member of, groups I have visited and not joined, individuals, professionals, I have met with, received services from and parted with their gift of healing in me. I saw a new therapist last week. I am very happy about it and immediately began crying once she asked me what was up. I can trust her greatly although I'm still partly holding back out of unfamiliarity. Plus, I think she was wearing Goddess Pants, which I have been wanting to buy for some time now. She will help me heal relationships in family and across the genders. I know she is experienced to do this.

While a new therapist meant saying goodbye to the "old" one, I am excited to say that my first therapist will soon be me and my partner's new couple's counselor as we deepen our bond and unleash limiting habits. I support him in growth and he supports mine and together we are birthing a beautiful relationship that shoots beams of light from my heart! My "old" therapist was too cool to let go of completely: she teaches at Esalen and my favorite yoga studio, writes books with her husband, and I think she likes to talk about sex. Great!

A new therapist was only one of the frontier events in the past week: I also went to a chiropractor for the first time in nearly ten years! It was an AMAZING Groupon: $39 for a consultation, x-ray, three chiropractic adjustments, and a one-hour massage. I just got my massage yesterday, where I waited for my appointment with a short read on the beach. While the chiropractor and all his staff spent their time and energy convincing me I must come back for more treatments if I want to be well and should invest in chiropractic care, I was marveling at my ability to so quickly give up my freedom of choice for a health professional while at the same time baffled that I had been neglecting my spine for the last decade! On the intake sheet a question asks, "What symptoms are you having and when did they first start? What do you think caused these symptoms?" My answer: tense shoulders 10 + years, grinding teeth as long as I can remember, tight upper back 10+ years, tight lower back, 10+ years and clenched facial muscles 10+ years. Ten years! I was 15, just moved back to California from Arkansas with my family, hated school, getting ready to graduate a year early, parents separating, Dad's drinking becomes belligerent, Mom starts dating men I think are weird, I get us in a car accident, on the 5, hitting a semi truck repeatedly, with Mom asleep in the back, Rachel goes to ER for her wrist, it's really expensive, I go to college, I fall in love, I lose my virginity blacked out drunk, I drop out of college when I realize there is no more family college fund. All this within about two years! It's funny to me, though I don't exactly know why, that during that period I went to a chiropractor for the first time and the only other time besides last week. I've decided not to pay $3,000 to the chiropractor and instead I'm looking at my issues with an all new light, a sense of urgency and dedication and intuitive knowing.

All of that information, a reminder of the past and how my body has been trying to deal with it, I needed something, lots of things, last week to help me find some relief. I made some yummy quinoa chicken pilaf and squash, using leftovers for beet squash mush and then buttery beet squash soup. Before jumping over to the farmer's market I spent hours in the library reading about relationships. I'm really happy reading John Welwood. My partner invited me to join his coworkers in sushi and a basketball game. Santa Cruz decided to adopt a D-league NBA team, the Warriors, to boost local economy and tourism. The stadium built is ugly on the outside, a behemoth of a port that looks like an airplane hangar and it's blocking a view over the San Lorenzo river to the Eastside. The basketball game: FUN! The interior is much nicer than outside. Although we were on top row, I still saw great and was able to stand without yells from behind. Our team was sucking the first half: literally letting the ball slip out of their grasp. The other team was making shot after shot. But the second half fared much better for us and while the Warriors and the Defenders were neck and neck, we won out brilliantly in the last minute. The crowd was loud and excited. We were sitting behind the roller derby girls who were sitting behind a nine-year-old boy's birthday party.

The next morning I defrosted blackberries which my partner and I picked from a nearby monster of a berry bush last Fall. I make blackberry crumble for breakfast and didn't mind the sugary rush as I was hiking, later that morning, with a long unseen friend in trails behind my house. I neglected to write the paper I hoped to complete last week and I don't regret it.

I completed another practicum interview on Friday. Although my interviewer said I look very young, maybe too young to get the trainee position, I felt good about my skills and my presence and I like her, minus the way she phrased her comments. I would be happy to be placed there: working with children in schools. I also have an interview this week at a residential recovery facility for women coming out of jail. That would be very satisfying and I can't help but imagine the same scenery as described in A Million Little Things which I was bummed to find out was not real and I'm not expecting my practicum site to be like it anyways. The book threw me for a loop and really made me think about recovery. I feel a bit sorry for some of my reactions to my dad when he was at the lows of addiction and climbing out to recovery: I had (still do) little patience. That's what I wrote on my practicum readiness application, needs to work on: patience. And I am. What the book was not was crazy. It was supposed to be, I think: scary, sensational, insane. For me, though, it was validating. Maybe only unnerving in the fact that it is so real, not just for substance abusers but for all people. I think we each have our behaviors that are reckless, harmful, scary. And we hide them well. At least I do. I'm committed to my growth in a whole new way and, like I said, it has recently taken on an urgency it didn't have before. I must heal if I am to survive.

I shut the book last night on its final page and followed it with browsing my Community Mental Health course syllabus. www.mentalhealthrecovery.com was listed as one of the readings. I went to it and it was WRAP. I had heard of it before but never knew what is stood for or meant: Wellness Recovery Action Plan. It is for anybody who wants to increase their quality of life and well being. I'm hoping to learn more about it, perhaps through literature since the trainings for it this year are all on the East coast. It's not a new idea to me: making a plan for better well being. But it's gotten so much support and has its own community that I'm shocked I didn't hear more about it earlier. A group of people supporting each other in using an evidence-based tool for increasing well being for all people! Sign me up! I'm relieved that a mental health tool and group can include all people since we all need mental health. What I'm trying to say is mental health is not only for people with mental illness. Mental health applies to all! (Just like health (medical) relates to all, duh!) (When will insurance companies align with this truth?)

A brief recap of other light feeding activities I did in the last week: hike with another girlfriend talking about food and mood and identifying the root of cravings, my first Rolfing session (another Groupon), a deep massage which warmed my core up and I've been on fire ever since!, which Kundalini yoga this morning did anything but put out! I got stoked, getting into my running training regime, ate lunch outside on my sunny deck (homemade chicken pesto salad), Sunday picked up a friend to do Dance Church (think ecstatic dance as spiritual practice), and off to Inner Light (think spiritual practice meets all-inclusive in a group of 200 with bangin' music), and lots of Star Trek in the mix and a dinner with roommates, friends, former co-workers, exploring the realities of a job offer. Wow! I'll leave it at that for you to digest as you will. I'm full!

Stepping Again and Again Into Love

We welcome the next leg of our collective journey
We are forever creating our future by the choices we make today
Humanity can't do anything that humans are not
Encoded within us are the seeds of greatness
We choose to evolve into our highest potential
We don't need disasters to give us permission to be generous and compassionate
Drama is optional
We unshackle our capacity to care; we unleash our willingness to contribute
We reignite the fire burning in our collective soul
We're proud of the legacy we leave
The next seven generations are blessed by who we become today
-Inner Light Ministries affirmation from 1/20/13

I am committed to learning about love in whatever ways present themselves and I will walk the path laid out for me. My intuition will guide me to know where that is.

What I do, say, think, believe, is true. I remind myself of this time and again because the power is great. The potential for pain is great. The potential for healing is great. I recognize the need for integrity in action and word. I recognize the light that love provides in the shadowy realms of yet-unrecognized beliefs. I shine light on scary places. I love myself and others even when it doesn't make sense or I don't want to.

When I align myself with Truth and the purpose of my existence, love, I am hosting freedom, abundance, strength, acceptance, community, for humanity. I am a microcosm of life. We each are. I dedicate myself to the uncovering of this seed, this root, of pure living. I choose this life now and choose it again and again. I choose health for self and all, again and again. I choose the infinite horizon of love again and again. I can change my mind. And I do. The power of the moment is that it can create reality anew.

I have already had enough disasters to deny Truth and love any longer. I permit myself to follow intuition. I permit myself to love wildly, limitless, regardless of other people's opinions and with kindness for my fellow humans' hearts. I don't need an excuse or logic to love. Now I require excuses and lies and "reality" to stop loving but even this tendency is losing grip. I love you purely because you live. I love you because of how unique and unduplicated you are. I love you for no reason at all. When one of us forgets this (because we all knew it as children), drama ensues. A return to love heals all. Therefore hurt is celebrated because it is living and can be healed. Hurt happens when we love. Hurt happens when fear is shed. Love is the antidote to fear.

Next time: What is love?, fire of the heart, and the legacy of the future

Violet

The chakra of one thousand petals. Violet. Spirit. Crown. Nervous system. The brain. The third eye. This is the "I am" center. Empathy. Unity.

I just found out that this chakra represents the union with Dad, Father, God. The root chakra represents the feminine, grounding, Mother Earth. "When one experiences a sense of separation from their father, they close the crown chakra, and experience a sense of isolation and aloneness, as if they are in a shell, and having difficulty with feeling contact with those around them. Thought processes tend to justify and maintain the sense of aloneness." (http://www.healer.ch/crownchakra.html) WOW! So I guess working on my spirituality, self-connection, and my relationship to my dad, all things I have committed to do, will help me towards strengthening this chakra.

The message of the crown chakra is to live in the now, connect to the greater oneness that is you, and to channel our spiritual power and relationship so that all of our other chakras, all areas of life, can be healed, energized, and flowing.

The color is Violet. Purple. Royality, richness, depth, purity, passion. I wear my purple pants again and mended my purple tank top this morning so I could wear it. I drank prune water and made an acai smoothie with concord grape juice and a few soaked prunes. This evening I finished off the soaked prunes (which will surely help my tummy keep solid food moving!) and made another smoothie, this time with prune juice (yet again), frozen blackberries, and lavender. Yumm! I'm so ready for White tomorrow, an extension of Violet. White is the culmination of all the chakras, all of the light and color, purity. I am awakened and rejuvenated in the real sense of the word. I'm ready for solid foods to fill each cell with nutrients so that I can now go out into the world and put my lessons to action, my discoveries to practice, and continue learning!

What a great cleanse. I give thanks and gratitude for health, tasty food that is fresh and abundant, my dedication to myself to care for my body, a new year, supportive family and friends, free yoga at Divinitree (!), smoothies, a loving partner, good books, and Star Trek! : )

Indigo

Day 6 of the cleanse and Indigo has got me ready for food again. Feeling whole and good and nourished, this royal color has taken me to the depths of the spirit, looking inward to see out. It is called the seat of the soul. Awareness from the third eye governs how we perceive reality. For example, I thought today was "Purple Day" but, turns out, it's actually Indigo. No matter because my third eye knows the reality that is true for me is the energetic flow I have connected to today, in soul brain and deep hues. 

Trust intuition. Know the path. See beyond illusions. See through skin. Energetic soul vision. 

Dark skies. Deep ocean blues. Today I held blackberries, drank waters from plums, and hydrated my cells with so sweet concord grape juice. I wore purple pants and practiced yoga on a deep blue mat. 

Thank you so much to Kundalini Yoga at Divinitree, it really brought my body, spirit, and mind together and my chakras in harmony. Tomorrow is my time to heighten to the crown, violet. Introducing more sustenance to my body, resources for my spiritual practice, commitment to my physical practices, and exercising my mind. 

http://www.whitelighttarot.com/indigo.html

Blue

"We speak our choice with our voice." (Phylameana lila Désy - Sep 1998)

Today is the fifth day of the cleanse, half way through. And this Saturday celebrates Blue. Blue is massive, open, calming, a bit cold, sometimes out of reach, but bright. The chakra that correlates to Blue is the throat chakra: willfullness and integrity of word. Speak with integrity is a teaching in the The Mastery of Love by don Miguel Ruiz. Take responsibility for your needs. Step into your power. Surrender to Truth. 

I continue to be amazed by how much power I have in choosing my experience and also how easily I forget that. I had two dreams last night, nearly nightmares: one, about failing an important upcoming test which, in real life, will determine my career fate in the coming year, and the other, a disgusting scenario that I will summarize as a dirty public bathroom. When I woke from each dream, in turn, I had the distinct and powerless feeling of being victim. Then I realized, again, I don't have to be the victim in life, in my family, at school, in society. This is what stepping into my power means to me. And not that I can control components of my life but that I can be conscious, aware, listen to my intuition, always choose Truth and Love.

In the spirit of Blue, I've reduced blueberries and water and poured the purpley-blue liquid off as a morning "tea." I've also cut about 30 blueberries in half and up them in a half-gallon of water to infuse throughout the day for blueberry water later. I hope to come across Borage blossoms today. I love their sweet oily taste but I suppose on a cleanse I would merely enjoy their aroma, sights, and see if they leave behind their sweetness after a day of soaking. I'll make a friend a blueberry kefir drink with warm toast smeared with homemade apricot jam and topped with these boiled blueberries I just used for my morning drink. Check out more blueberry recipes in my food blog: Eternal Sustenance. 

When I look in the mirror and see the blue of my eyes it reminds me to take responsibility for myself. When I stand before the crashing or lapping waves of the ocean I know I can step into my power. When I look to the sky and am showered in blueness I surrender to Truth. 

Green

Heart Chakra. Emotions. Loving and giving unconditionally. Integrates physical and spiritual. Relationship center. 

Questions to consider:

• How am I doing in loving and accepting myself?
• Do I live life fully and freely? If not, what is holding me back? Or where or how.
• Am I confident in making decisions? 
• Can I say "no" when I need to? 
• Am I afraid of being rejected or abandoned?
• Am I envious or jealous of others? 

(ChakraEnergy.com/system.html)

Green is growth, newness, life. Here in California it is easy to see Green all year round. Today it is nearly 60 degrees and last night I went for a night hike in just jeans and a sweater. But Green is everywhere always. And the promise of more Green is only as far as a dormant bush, an unsprouted seed, a furled leaf. 

There are a plethora of green foods and I'm glad to incorporate more and more of them in my diet. I have been making green smoothies once a day for quite a while. Check my other blog: Eternal Sustenance for upcoming smoothie recipes.  Today is Day 4 of the cleanse and I'm drinking bay leaf-infused water with spirulina and stevia mixed in: it's a deep, deep green color. 

Yellow

Today is the third day of the cleanse, Thursday. Thursday is "Thor's Day," derived from Jupiter, related to Thor. Both Jupiter and Thor symbolize thunder. Even though it's Thunder Day and early January, today is another warm, sunny day, a good one for walking. I'll be going on a hike in Nisene Marks, a beautiful redwood forest. 

I'm drinking saffron lemonade, it's refreshingly cool. And today I'm working on school projects: studying for a test, readings, and practicum application. 

Yellow is a happy color: the color of the sun. It marks rising out of the heat of the earth and preparing to emerge onto the surface of green growth. Yellow is sweetgrass, narcissis, lemons, summer squash, Spring, iodine, blonde hair. 

The third chakra is yellow: digestion, positive use of personal power, integration and accomplishing goals. Yellow is a creative color relating to self-worth. It is about focus of thought, curiousity, perception, awareness, and understanding. The solar plexus regulates liver, spleen, small intenstines, and stomach. (threeheartscompany.com)

Three Cheers for Yellow! Yay! Yay! Yay! 

Orange

For the longest time the only thing I knew about Orange was that my mother hates it. I just returned from Pennsylvania, visiting my boyfriend's family, and they really like Orange. In fact many of them have orange sweaters and hats and call that particular hue by their last name. 

Today is the day of Orange, the second day of 2013 and of my 10-day cleanse, a day where I'll focus on this color and on the second chakra: the navel and sacral. I didn't get to say, yesterday, about the root chakra and Red that the focus is I am and it is geared to center and focus. Orange, though, is about fire, energizing, sexuality and physical strength. The meditation is I feel. And the inner state of the navel is tears. I think of what it means to be a fertile being. 

The color of the walls in my living room is orange so I will use them as a constant reminder of vibrant life, sexual expression, and passionate feeling. I can almost hear my uterus singing now! 

I am drinking orange zest infused water today. I will later include orange sections and turmeric into my water. I peeled them the way my brother does and Orange already reminds me of him. 

Red

Today is the first day of 2013. I've begun with a cleanse: a fast for ten days and a spiritual journey into this new age. One of the numerous themes of this cleanse is the colors of the rainbow. I'm celebrating each of them, in turn, by acknowledging their power, contemplating on their messages and enjoying things with their color. 

Today is the day of Red. I happen to be wearing a red shirt. I chose a beet to color my water and, later, it will be saffron. I like those two foods. Saffron is more valuable than gold in today's market and has often been a commodity only to the rich. Beets, on the other hand, are very cheap and have been staples for the common-person all over Eastern Europe for centuries. I bring them together in one container today, acknowledging the royalty and the scarcity that Red represents. It is earthy and spicy.

I look in the mirror and notice I am bleeding at a small puncture in my skin. The deep color of blood reminds me of how vital and rich Red is. I think of myself as beige or tan but the truth is that the most of me is pink and red: muscles, organs, tissue, bone marrow, blood. 

Red things I think of today include: a satin pajama gown I used to have, lipstick, raspberries, roses in my backyard, cardinals I saw in Pittsburgh against the snow, hot sauce, tomatoes ripe at the heat of Summer, cherry juice, pomegranate stains, my favorite wines and washing wine glasses the morning after a bottle, the color of my hair dyed with henna, my first car, bogs of cranberries, unknown berries on walks in the wilderness, a bullseye, a stop sign, the Republican Party, the Communist Party, anger.