What is one thing I did differently yesterday to make progress on my journey?

I accepted support. Yesterday I was challenged facing money issues, namely, that my credit card is maxed out and my accounts were empty. In the past many months I have been on the verge of not enoughness and always tip over (thank you Universe!) to abundance just when I need it most. So worrying about money was not unfamiliar to me and I was working yesterday on calming my mind so I could enjoy the company of my beloved. I wasn't really able to shake off the stress and my company could tell. Finally I just said, "I'm stressed about money." Phew, that felt pretty good. Yeah, I'm struggling with this issue and I'm not really present right now.

What my partner responded with was, "I can give you money, I can help you." I immediately started shrinking and turning away. Negative self-talk flooded me and it said: you can't borrow money, not from him, he doesn't really mean it, he'll regret it, you'll regret it if you take it, that's just more debt you'll be in, why can't you get your financial shit in order like him? Wow, here my sweetheart was offering me a gift and my psyche responds quite rudely! The moment passed and we left the issue to rest for a while.

Until I checked the mail! I got a letter from the IRS and immediately, my heart was pounding. There was that stress again. It was like another test of my good will. I open it and receive the disappointing news: I owe them a lot of money and they haven't responded to my appeal and now there is a deadline quickly approaching. My honey knows I struggle with money and that I'm going through a conflict with the IRS. He gets off the couch, comes to me, reads the letter with me, and says, "It's going to be okay. If you want, I can pay that for you." I'm in disbelief. This is thousands of dollars we are talking about, not just groceries and gas money. We talked it over; I was able to stay calm enough to have a reasonable conversation and express my distress. He made some observations and kept present with me throughout the discussion. We reached a conclusion that he would pay a portion of the amount due (the part I do believe I really owe the IRS) and we would wait to see what their response was. I told him I was having a hard time accepting his offer of money. He asked why and I divulged my inner critic. I said, "I'm going to need some more money to make it through this week. I feel supported by you and grateful. I want to contribute money to our relationship too. Thank you for supporting me right now." And that was that, we moved on to enjoy our evening!

Wow, I am so proud I could pay a large IRS debt on borrowed funds and not have more than $10 to my name and still feel great about my life, my relationship, and my self! Awesome progress!

PS: I got a notice of an attempted IRS letter delivery at my house for me and I betchya it's them saying I don't owe the rest of the money!

What's your progress yesterday? this week?

Holding Trauma

Today is day 2 of three days of my final marathon weekend of school for the year. As I'm sitting in this tight desk wondering how I'm going to hold this position until 8pm, I am hearing a lecture about how action can prevent trauma. When strong emotions are held in the body trauma can ensue. How do we deal with situations in which strong emotions are evoked? The healthiest is answer is, express yourself! Maybe you can't yell at your boss who undermines your work in the company meeting or flip off the driver you cut off or cuss out the police officer who just pulled you over but what can you do? There has to be something or else your body will turn to trauma as the solution. Can you shake your head and legs? Can you leave the room and punch some pillows? Can you go to your car and scream? Can you write all of your angry feelings down and then burn the paper? throw dishes? work out really hard? go dancing? What's your out from an emotional experience?

Abundance Work

I haven't yet shared in this blog about the Adventures in Abundance workshop I'm participating in with Inner Light, so this is a bit out of context, but a worthwhile story and lesson.

Went to the Inner Light Adventures in Abundance workshop again on Monday, week 5 of 8. It was Ben Saltzman leading it this time, again. You know from my email last week that I had a hard time with him in week 4 and I was reluctant to go this week. I met up with a friend on Monday for a stroll on the beach and mentioned that I was participating in this workshop. She said she had done the six month program with him last year, had a lot of struggles with him, but then experienced a major breakthrough, she called it a "melt down" on the very last session and gained some deep deep learning, growth, and respect for Ben and his work. She recommended I stay even though it was incredible uncomfortable last time. I don't regret leaving early, in fact I'm proud for listening to my truth and guidance. However I was considering how my friend's experience would land on my truth.

I went Monday and stayed the whole time. I showed up on time which hadn't happened last week and meant a great great deal because I caught the entirety of the opening prayer which laid a foundation of grounding, healing, safety, and holding: something I hadn't felt last week! The workshop went late, until 9:45pm, which is very late for me. I thoroughly enjoyed it.

We did a similar exercise: after sharing with a partner our unexpected income and gifting 10% of that to the church, we reconvened and went into Shadow/Light Integration. First we embodied "The Controller," the part of ourselves that demands control and thinks it's always right and wants things its way. I can very much tap into this energy since I grapple with it daily! The Controller has a lot of fear about what might happen if it loses control! No doubt there is some deep wounding there. We control because, at some point in our life, that is what we needed to do to survive (physically or psychically). Now it's time to relinquish some control so parts that have been abandoned (and become Shadow) can come back healthfully.

So we moved to that abandoned part. Ben asked The Controller (asked us in the room embodying control), what part was being locked away. Some said something along the lines of the vulnerable, playful, creative child/artist and others said my father, the competitor, production, the doer. Ben decided to go with "Disowned Competitor." I was having a hard time with that title because I have negative connotations of competition even though I'm actually quite attune with my competitive side and think I engage with it healthfully (i.e. marathon running, doing therapy demos in front of my class, getting promotions at jobs, playing games). In the moment I had the thought, "Oh no, he didn't pick the one that I feel most. Now I'm going to have to disengage for the next 40-60 minutes while he works with a part that I either don't understand, feel good with, or can't access. Ah, shit, here we go. Am I going to have to walk out again?" This lingered for a few minutes and I was in a mild panic and getting angry with Ben because the work didn't feel relevant to me. Then he said this: "Is anyone not here with us right now? Is anyone not in touch with their Disowned Competitor?" Ding ding ding ding ding! Me! I quickly raised my hand and saw that, of the 20 of us, about 4 or 5 others did too! Phew! I wasn't alone. I was SO glad he asked that questions because otherwise he was leaving me, and four or five others, in the dust! He did some one-on-one dialogue with me and then with the others, so we could tap into the energy he was requesting. He asked several questions and I was feeling pretty whole, "Light" about those. Then he asked, "Do you ever feel like you can't shine as brilliantly as you want or need to?" Uh, ptchah! Yes. He said, "That, that's your Disowned Competitor, stay there." I would have called it "Disowned Achiever" or "Fading Light" or "Outcast Star" but I wasn't going to spend time on semantics.

The group worked on this disowned part, each person embodying it and, from that place, sharing what they were feeling: lonely, scared, punished, angry, resentful. The Competitor wanted to be able to do the best it could, given a chance! Ben worked on that for a while and then asked the Self if it was okay to allow the Competitor to show up, play the game, compete! There was still some work to be done but eventually we got to a place where ourSelves said, yeah, I want the Competitor to show up! And we moved into the integrated Competitor, feeling excited, proud, expansive, supercharges. We moved from their to the Integration Point, our whole self, complete, integrated, connected to the Divine and the Controller and the Competitor. People shared what was going to change in this new place. One woman was inspired to start a cooperative business, one to stand up straight in front of her employees and own her respectful authority. I said I might have to say goodbye to relationship that weren't supportive of my Competitor, of my star shining brilliantly, of me integrating all aspect of mySelf. On Monday night, when I said it, I thought it meant releasing some people out of my connection web. That may be true: forgiving former friends and lovers. What I realize, now, is more true is that it means allowing my current relationships to transform to be new ones. My relationship with my dad today is not the same relationship with my dad ten years ago. (Thank GOD!) It's time for new relationships, releasing the old ways of relating because that's not me anymore (and it's not him either). My affirmation is: Relationships today support my star shining brightly and my ever-changing, integrated sense of self. My actions, thoughts, and being support and ground my heart glowing big and all of those I interact with being held and supported in being their fullest Self.

Wow, what a long entry! Wishing you ease and grace in receiving all of this of my experience and in shining a light on all aspects of YOUrself increasing your brilliance, radiance, and shininess. When we engage in this expansion, we have all needs met, all right relationships, healing, wholeness, health, abundance, and peace.

Ahhhumm