In a world of scarcity people are taught to appreciate what they're given. Children are told not to complain. In a time where gratitude is prescribed, when do we demand more?
Case in point: you are five years deep with a man, amazing on many accounts: smart, attractive, fit, active, loves the outdoors, reads, great family, close friends, adventurous. (And then we all wait for the BUT...) But there's something missing. There's an ache in your heart, other men catch your eye, the ping of mild dissatisfaction eats at you. Anything more blatant would be easy. When someone disgusts us or offends us, it's easier to say adios. But what happens with the pretty good guy we've found ourselves in deep with?
One way to sort the facets is dividing your desired partner's traits in two: deal breakers and compromisables. Deal breakers are things you need from a mate and you just can't negotiate on. For me they are spirituality, sexual vivacity, physical fitness, integrity, connection to nature and commitment to loving self and others. Compromisables are characteristics you consider in a partner but the absence of one wouldn't necessarily mean the relationship couldn't thrive. (thrive... that work is important later) For me a few items I might negotiate on but are highly desired: cleanliness, attractiveness, intelligence, personable, kindness, traveler, healthy relationships with family, body, substances, food, sex, moderate in their consumption of resources, financially sustained, cares for their belongings, connects with others, a healer of some sort, overcomes fear, seeks to increase love in all directions, focused on life path. How do we learn what these lists comprise of? Trial and error! Every relationship, every year that goes by, I know more and more what I need, and what I don't. I learn how to soften my demands where possible and to firm up and clarify them when it's crucial. It's just as important to know how to compromise as it is to be able to take a stand.
Thrive. Thrive! We set up relationships to thrive, not just survive. Almost anything can survive with enough work-arounds. But is that a life? Is that a life you want to live? Is that a relationship you want to commit yourself to? When we aren't afraid of trial and error, in this grand experiment in love and loss, we can dedicate ourselves to thriving and no less. You may be compromising on items that are really deal breakers for you. A person can never be happy trying to make do with a deal breaker. Be honest, I know it's scary!
So with all of this demanding no less than a thriving life, how to we keep from taking our relationships for granted? I mentioned the grand experiment of love. If we can view each relationship as another trial in the experiment, we can value each crush, fling, heartbreak and soulmate as lesson getting us closer to truth, regardless of immediate outcome. Given enough trials and paying attention to the lessons, you will be clued in to your deal breakers. You will know who you are and what you want. From that place of knowing, we can appreciate and sustain relationships that help us thrive. Don't let a permanent state of yearning keep you from enjoying the love of your life! You might get so caught up in uncertainty that a lifelong love passes you by (or you pass it!).
How could we even be grateful for something when we don't know what we want! Know what you want and then support that. Just because finding a divine match seems impossible doesn't mean you should settle for less than your heart needs. And when you've found it, don't leave him behind just because he's an imperfect human. If you two can be equal teammates in your shared vision to flourish, and fulfill each other's deal breakers (plus some), celebrate! Align your mental state with reality so that you give yourself permission for every dream to come true and to recognize the miracles happening right before your eyes.
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